To Those We've Lost
by happyfeet0402
Summary: Lexa Woods has experienced nothing but loss her entire life. Her father, her grandfather, friends, and even herself she seems to have lost. The only person she can feel happy around is her best friend since her freshman year of high school, Clarke Griffin. Now both juniors, Lexa has been keeping her feelings from Clarke, afraid they might just make Clarke push her away.
1. Chapter 1

**To Those We've Lost**

Dedicated to all those I've lost along the way, alive or not. To Casey, Don, Shelby, Winnie, and too many others to name.

Chapter 1

"We're just concerned for you, Lexa." Doctor Williams looked over his spectacles at me, trying to see if I had reacted to what he and mom had just talked to me about. I open my mouth to speak, and my voice comes out weaker than I expected it to. "I know. I just don't think the problem is as bad as you make it out to be. I've always thought something was wrong, but I didn't think much of it." Mom looks at me with something that resembles pity, and it makes me angry. Just last week, she was yelling at me because I didn't get an "A" on that assignment, and telling me that I wasn't doing my best, in life or in school. I didn't go out with friends, I didn't go over to a friend's house, I just stayed home and sat there. Did my homework, read, said hello to mom when she got home to work, ate, and then went to sleep. Sometimes not. Sometimes, I'd stay up too late, unable to sleep because I'd be thinking. About, nothing in particular. Although often it would be me thinking about who or what would leave me for good next. My father, Gustus had died ten years ago, when I was six. My older sister, Anya, was eight. My mother, Alexandria, was devastated. She knew he had been drinking a lot, and she had trusted him to be able to drive himself back home. She never talked to him again. When I was 13, my grandfather, who's name I don't remember, died of a heart attack. He was the father figure I had after Dad died. Grandpa would take me hunting, fishing, doing things a normal father would do. Hell, he's the reason I wanted to play the saxophone when I was ten. The next one to leave was our family dog, Brutus. I was also 13, and fresh off the loss of Grandpa. Brutus was never an overly affectionate dog, but he was always there, and when I was 13, there was a lot of change going on, with Brutus being the only constant. He had literally been alive longer than me. Next was our second dog, Walter. He was one when we got him from the humane society, and he died just last month, at the age of 7. Had a tumor that nobody, not even the vets, had noticed. I was 16 then. Still am, three months after his death. My best friend from childhood, Costia, and I had finally drifted apart. We don't even talk anymore. Just the polite head nod when we pass in the hallway. It pains me to see her being so happy, so content with life, while I'm over here with nothing but memories. Well, there is a bright spot in my life. Her name is Clarke Griffin, and she's my new best friend. We are both juniors in high school, and we both met our freshman year. I was nervous to talk to her at first, because I'm usually that way around attractive people. And Clarke was exceptionally attractive. Still is. The blondest head of hair you've ever seen. So blonde it seemed like she was giving off light. Her smile, and how it lights up the room. Her eyes, so blue that looking into them makes me feel like I'm diving into the deep end of a pool. And, to top it off, she's one of the funniest people I've ever known. Her sense of humor is one of the rare ones that fit with my dry, serious sense of humor. I think I liked her as more than a friend from the moment I befriended her. But, with my history of loss, I'd never told her, because I'm too afraid she'll push me away when I tell her, and that will be the end of it. I'll have no more friends. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to listen to. Nobody to gossip with. Gone, just as fast as she came. No, I couldn't have that. So as much as it pained me to not let go of my feelings, I didn't tell Clarke how I felt. The pain of losing her would not be worth the slim chance she likes me as more than a friend as well. That must be why I am how I am. Anyways, the appointment ended with the doctor prescribing me an antidepressant, and insisting I find a counselor. I agree, because I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of never being happy. I'm not sad all the time, just never happy. I went home, ate my small portion of dinner, and went to sleep. I was exhausted. And, quite frankly, upset. I'd be forcing even more medication into my body, as if the Adderall wasn't enough. Now, on top of the generous amount I'm taking, I'll be taking a generous amount of this antidepressant – Prozac, was it? Yeah, that's it. So anyways, I'm starting that tomorrow. Yay. Another day in the life of Lexa Woods. This shitty, good-for-nothing life. Honestly, the only reason I've never even considered ending it all is because I'm too selfless for my own good. I can't do that to mom. I can't do that to Anya. I would never in a million years do that to Clarke. Ah, Clarke. The only one who can seem to make me smile a genuine smile. The only one I can feel like being me is okay. And with the thought of her, I drift into a soft, dreamless sleep.

 **A/N: Howdy y'all! It's me, happyfeet. You may remember me from the fanfic "Love is Strength" which is now also known as the first fiction that'll probably never be continued. I just lost my inspiration due to recent events in my life that have happened. I just wasn't invested in that story anymore. So, here's a new story, inspired by real-life events that happened to yours truly. No, my dad didn't die, but he did move away and I never see him anymore. Also, I want to clarify that in this fic Lexa, like me, has ADHD. This will let me tell the story how I feel like it should be. Since I jump from thinking about one thing to another, it seemed fitting that in a story inspired by real-life events to have some type of realism to it. The story will be entirely from Lexa's point of view. Think of this as more of a prologue than a first chapter, or perhaps me setting the scene. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this and I look forwards to hearing your feedback!**


	2. Chapter 2

**To Those We've Lost**

This chapter is dedicated to you! Yes you, the one reading this. You're the reason I'm writing this! Go you! Have an amazing day! No, the dedications will not be a frequent thing.

Chapter 2

"Lexa, wake up! You're going to miss the bus and you know I won't give you another ride this week!" I let out a soft groan and an "Okay mom, I'll be out in a minute," and continue to lay in bed for another five minutes, knowing all and well it's not even 6:30 yet, because mom wants me to be 'punctual.' Except I don't _care_ about being punctual. But I do it anyways, because getting to school early means I get to spend more time with Clarke, which is something I never turn down. Time spent with Clarke is time well-spent. So, anyways, I get up, shower, brush my teeth, take my now-daily three (!) total medications. One is Adderall, for ADHD which I've been taking since 5th grade. The other two are 20mg and 10mg capsules of fluoxetine, because our dumb pharmacy doesn't do 30mg capsules for some reason. I have a new counselor, by the way. Her name is Sharon, and she's a nice lady. I always got along well with adults, it probably has something to do with my sense of humor. Or maybe it's because I'm shitty at being a teenager and would rather have social relationships like an adult would. As in, I can trust you, you can trust me, and we love each other in a platonic way. Like siblings almost. That's what I look for in a friend. I'm a commanding person to those who don't know me well, but to those who do, they'll know I'm the softest person to ever live. So, I made the bus, and Clarke is sitting right where she normally does, in the seat farthest back in the bus. When she sees me get on, I almost think she's actually only happy because _I'm_ on the bus, but I know better. Getting attached is the last thing I'm going to do. Even if it's the girl I've loved the moment I met her.

"How was your weekend, Lexa?" Clarke looks at me with that look she always has on her face, slightly pouty, but in a playful way, like she's trying to make you feel bad for saying she can't have any ice cream. It took me months to finally have the courage to say no to her _normal_ face that I still, to this day, am rendered a completely useless gay mess by her puppy eyes. She knows it and almost always pulls it off when she wants something. Unless it's something serious, because she knows I need to be able to make my own conscious decisions from time to time. Especially when it comes to my school life. I can't be spending too much time (no such thing if you ask me) with Clarke, because I need to keep up my studies. Well that's how it used to be. Now I'm just sleeping, not studying. My test grades didn't slip at all. I've always been smart, and my mom knows that. She's always pushing for me to be in all these advanced classes, and college courses. That was when I was in my sophomore year. She wanted me to take a college-level math class. I declined and instead decided to take a music elective. What can I say? I love the saxophone, especially those of the baritone variant. Because I play the baritone sax, and I'm the best in all New England. No joke, like I was first chair bari sax on the New England high school jazz band. One you must audition for. Yeah. My other passion is lacrosse. I play goalie for, well, the varsity boys team. Once the athletic director realized I was way too crazy and aggressive in the crease, they forced me to play on the boys team. I ended up being the starting junior varsity goalie and didn't let in more than three goals in every game. That was freshman year. Sophomore year I was the backup for the varsity team. The starter, Kristen, was a senior that year. So now I'm first in line to the title of starter. And I worked my ass off for it. My already well-toned body got, well, even more well-toned. My biceps aren't huge like most guys, but I don't care. What I'm really proud of are my abs. If I walk into a room wearing anything that shows my midsection, all the guys in the room immediately get self-conscious. Because, well, they're just well-defined. I'm a sit-up maniac I guess. So yeah, I spent the fall and winter sports seasons going to a fall/winter league so I'm not out of practice. Ever. If it's not school, reading, music, hanging out with Clarke, sleeping, eating, etc. I'm playing lacrosse. Mom doesn't have enough money to send me off to college and I don't want to ruin my future by taking out any student loans (yes, it is a stupid thing to be anxious about, but we all have our flaws) so I'm really banking on getting a full-ride scholarship to somewhere like Duke or Notre Dame. And not for their girls' team, but the men's team. Because I want to show the world girls can play violent sports like men's lacrosse too. I always did like proving others wrong. Until recently, when this whole shitty situation started. But that's a whole other story for a completely different time. Shit. The bus has stopped, and I haven't given Clarke an answer to the question. I feel my face start to burn in embarrassment, but Clarke doesn't seem to care. She knows me well enough to know when I'm lost in thought. "Oh, you know. Just the usual, boring weekend. Read. Played the sax. Slept 12 hours a day. Chores." I role my eyes at the last one, because if there's one thing my mom believes in, it's chores. I generally have three or more hours of chores to do on the weekend. "How was your weekend Clarke?" And as soon as I see her eyes light up in excitement I know it's either something to do with Finn, or something to do with art. One of the two I'm not so fond of, for obvious reasons. "Oh my gosh, Finn took me out on a date and we went to this really, really cool restaurant! We had food and then, in one part of it, there was a _pottery area_ that we could make our own plates and mugs and bowls with! It was so much fun! I should take you sometime."

I had tuned out the moment she said the name 'Finn' because I never liked Clarke's boyfriend. He claimed he loved her, yet from what I've heard, he never made too many attempts to spend time with Clarke outside of school other than the occasional date the two went on. Before we could say anything else, the bell rang marking the beginning of advisory. "I'll see you at 3?" Clarke asked, and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Clarke, you know I'd never skip our little drives to the bridge, right? I may not be good at art but making stupid graffiti words is still pretty cool." Ever since we became best friends we had a tradition of writing down silly ideas to do on a Monday and drew one from a hat, then we went out and did that right after school. This week was the third straight week that we were defacing the bridge that went over the ever-flowing White River. I was starting to suspect a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl had something to do with it, but I don't mind. There are worse things to do than spend some time with her. As I've most likely stated before. Tired of it by now? Deal with it, I'm absolutely whipped. And with that, I begin my Monday as odd as ever – with a huge, goofy grin on my face. Everyone else, even the cheeriest of kids are acting like they have a hangover on Monday except me. Because Monday is what Clarke and I have dubbed 'The day Clarke and Lexa get to fuck shit up.' Because it really is the one day where we do something utterly stupid. Nothing illegal, mind you, but not smart either. This day, however, things would be different. I just had a feeling.

 **A/N: And that's chapter two all wrapped up! It's not that long, I know but still. It's just setting the scene and I like to churn these chapters out as I get inspired. This chapter took me less than three hours to write, mostly because some of it was me talking about** _ **my**_ **life experiences. No, I'm not a girl, but I am the varsity boy's lacrosse goalie. No, I'm not ripped, but Lexa is so yeah. Also, I am** _ **not**_ **madly in love with my best friend, even though I'm really close to her. And no, I wasn't a sophomore taking college classes. I'm smart, but not** _ **that**_ **smart lmao. And I do play the bari sax. Maybe I'll have to make a recording of 'Lexa' playing it to woo Clarke ;D. Only time will tell! Until next time,**

Happyfeet


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